Calls Council Vote irrelevant -  “What do they think this is anyway?  Some kind of democracy?”

  After losing his fight to bury the Eglinton LRT yesterday, the mayor has vowed to fight on with his vision.  Not only did he express confidence that the province will ignore the council vote on the Eglinton LRT, he insisted that the Sheppard subway will still be built as well.  Despite the fact that the light rail lines would service a lot more people for a lot less money the mayor pointed out that subways are still what taxpayers prefer.  “Private businesses will pay for some of the subway” he reminded reporters, “I plan on calling it ‘Toronto’s Great Ride (And Virtually Yours)’ or Toronto’s G.R.A.V.Y. train for short”.

  To prove his point, the mayor went riding on the TTC in the evening so that he could talk directly to the average transit user.  When one rider expressed doubt that the Sheppard subway would ever be built, the mayor introduced a back-up plan.  “How about a car?  What if the city gave you a car?  Would you like that?”  The rider responded by saying “Seriously?!  Yeah, that’d be great!”

  When someone pointed out that the city probably couldn’t afford to buy every transit user a car, Mr. Ford seemed taken aback.  “Well, it won’t be taxpayer money.  Private companies will be buying the cars for people.  Trust me, businesses are lining up to buy cars for people!”  Although excited about his new brainstorm the mayor did admit that it’d be hard to get the majority of council on board with the idea.  “It’s what the taxpayers want, though” he said, gesturing to a bus full of people that he had just promised cars to.  “Not one of them said they wouldn’t take the car.”

  The mayor plans to bring his most recent plan before council next week along with a proposal that the city purchase three white elephants to replace the ones being sent to California.  And if that plan fails to pass he will literally start throwing taxpayer money down sewer grates.

Just in case it’s not obvious, I’d like to point out that this article and all articles on this site are intended as satire.  All articles are fiction and fake news.