Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!
The Toronto Zoo has recently come under fire for breaking up a number of homosexual couples among the zoo’s population. The whole thing started with Buddy and Pedro, two male African penguins who preffered to shack up together instead of finding females.
“Some people are so narrow-minded” said a zoo employee who did not want to be identified. “I’m so disappointed in the Toronto Zoo right now. Buddy and Pedro are so gentle and sweet. Sure, some people would point at them and make fun of the way they walked and the fact that they always dressed up in fancy tuxedos, but they were happy. It just breaks my heart.”
Despite the uproar caused by the forced seperation, Tom Mason, the zoo’s curator of birds and invertebrates, told reporters that Pedro and Buddy are not gay at all but simply have a ‘social bond’. “It’s a lifestyle choice” he insisted. Critics were quick to accuse Mr. Mason of making hateful and homophobic remarks.
The penguins are not the only gay couple to be forcibly seperated at the zoo in recent weeks. So far zoo employees have broken up a couple of lesbian deers, raided an alleged bath house full of naked mole rats, and split up at least two pairs of woodchucks. When asked how much wood could a woodchuck f*ck if a woodchuck could f*ck wood, Mr. Mason admitted that it was quite a lot.
Although the zoo is facing a lot of opposition from the public on this issue, they insist they will not back down. “This is a family place and we want traditional family values displayed here” insisted Mr. Mason. “I’m as open-minded as the next person but the whole thing is getting out of control. The lions want to be known as the ‘Queens of the Jungle’ now – when does it stop?!”
It doesn’t look like the issue is going to die down anytime soon, though, as the elephants have announced that they can’t live in such a prejudiced community and will be leaving for California at the first opportunity.
Just in case it’s not obvious, I’d like to point out that this article and all articles on this site are intended as satire. All articles are fiction and fake news.