“And why can’t kids smoke?!  We live in a free-market economy here!”

  Doug Ford has expressed frustration over City Council’s decision to ‘force-feed’ healthy drinks to kids.  ”We’re missing out on thousands of dollars,” he told reporters, “and compared to the health of our children, that’s totally worth it!”

  The city requires Pepsi to stock vending machines on city property with 50 per cent healthy drinks, something that Mr. Ford considers ‘force-feeding’.  ”People should not have healthy things thrust upon them” he declared, “so my solution is to let Pepsi stock the machines with 100 per cent unhealthy drinks.”

  When it was pointed out that his proposal would actually limit people’s choices and, if anything, be force-feeding them unhealthy drinks, Mr. Ford scoffed.  ”People would still have a choice,” he insisted.  ”There’s ‘Diet Pepsi’, isn’t there?  What could be healthier than ‘Diet Pepsi’?  I have one every day with my Whoppers and fries.”

  The issue seems to have inspired the mayor’s brother to seek out other instances of force-feeding.  ”I haven’t seen him this excited since he started working on the giant Ferris wheel idea” said Councillor Karen Stintz.  Mr. Ford’s next target is the General Mills food company, who he accuses of trying to force feed him whole grain oats.  ”He’s after their Lucky Charms!” said Ms. Stintz.

  Mr. Ford seemed agitated as he talked to reporters about the Lucky Charms issue.  ”Every morning I have to go through my bowl of cereal and pick out all the non-marshmallow bits.  It should be all marshmallows.  If people want to a healthy cereal they can buy Cocoa Puffs.”

Just in case it’s not obvious, I’d like to point out that this article and all articles on this site are intended as satire.  All articles are fiction and fake news.