“But I’ll have to poll my electorate.”

  After Liberal MP Scott Brison accused Foreign Affairs Minister John Baird of giving a golden shower to fellow Conservative MP Tony Clement, Mr. Baird claimed that he has no idea what else a ‘golden shower’ might refer to.  ”I’m a country guy.” he told reporters, “I don’t know how you interpret these kinds of things, but I’m not that sophisticated in that regard.”

  As pressure for answers builds in the lead-up to Mr. Clement’s appearance before a parliamentary committee to answer questions on a suspected 50 million dollar slush fund that was given the okay by Mr. Baird, reporters asked him who Canadians could blame for the mess.  Mr. Baird, however, refused to put the blame on a fellow Conservative.  ”I don’t think Conservative MPs should be fingering each other,” he said.  ”It’s not decent.  Let me tell you something.  Mr. Clement is feeling the pressure.  It’s mounting, faster and faster.  He doesn’t like it, it really hurts him.  It makes him uncomfortable and I’m not about to pile on.”  Then, to his advisers horror, he continued.  ”I’ll play the blame game with the NDP any day, but I won’t play with my own caucus.  I have never played with my caucus and I refuse to start now.”  Asked by increasingly amused reporters if he was worried about hairy palms or going blind, he looked confused.

  While a political aide ran off to fetch Prime Minister Harper, hoping he might be able to get the minister to stop talking, Mr. Baird was asked about his feelings on the current mix of MPs on Parliament Hill.  ”Things are going well with the NDP,” he said.  ”We often enjoy a great back and forth, get a good rhythm going, you know?  But when you introduce a third party things get uncomfortable.  Someone always feels left out and everybody wants a turn.  Then the Bloc members try to get in on the action and, well, you know the French.  Things tend to get a little messy.”  Throughout the interview the minister, true to his word, seemed to remain blissfully unaware of any double entendres.  However, when his advisers finally managed to pull him away from the media scrum he was heard asking one of them “My palms are kind of hairy though.  What’s the deal with that?”

Just in case it’s not obvious, I’d like to point out that this article and all articles on this site are intended as satire.  All articles are fiction and fake news.