New Port Lands Agreement Apparently A Win For Ford.

In other news, Leafs in win-win situation as they lose to Flyers 4-0.

  As Mayor Ford stepped back from his efforts to gain control of the Port Lands he tried to sell the compromise as a win-win situation.  It was a difficult position to maintain, though, especially when opposing councillors started singing ‘Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye’ while the new agreement was introduced.  Councillor Doug Ford admitted that voters seemed to be against his original plan, saying “Everyone wants us to work together and sing Kumbaya”.  Adam Vaughan said he was happy with that “as long as they’re not singing it on a giant ferris wheel.”

  Meanwhile, after the recent marathon meeting at City Hall, many items that City Council were to consider cutting were put aside until a later date, including probably the least contentious issue – reducing the frequency of cutting the grass in city parks. The issue was put aside mostly because of the confusion it caused after councillors were up all night.  When Mayor Ford introduced the motion to cut grass cutting Councillor Vaughan immediately asked “Are we talking about cutting grass or cutting cutting grass?”  The mayor hesitated and then replied “Cutting… grass…” but seemed suddenly unsure of himself.  After twenty more minutes of increasingly baffling and rather pointless discussion no one seemed sure what they were voting for or against, so Councillors Abbott and Costello suggested that the issue be put aside.

  Meanwhile, Tim Hudak can’t seem to catch a break as he tries to defeat the Liberals in the provincial elections.  A new poll sponsored by Global News suggests that Mayor Ford is hurting Mr. Hudak’s chances to win seats in Toronto.  This comes on the heels of a couple of other polls that have the Liberals and Conservatives running neck to neck despite Mr. Hudak’s double digit lead just a few months ago.  In one poll, Mr. Hudak was deemed to have the best vision for Ontario by 19.5 percent of people while  Mr. McGuinty had the backing of 25.5 percent.  One piece of good news for Mr. Hudak is that 72 percent of people interviewed agreed that he does look like an 80′s era Michael Keaton.  In light of the new polls, Elections Ontario has introduced some new guidelines for voting.  If you’re voting for the NDP or the Green Party you can just put a check next to the candidate’s name.  If you’re voting for the Liberals you put a check next to the phrase ‘Same old, same old’.  If you want to vote for Tim Hudak’s Conservatives, you’re to stand in the voting booth and say ‘Beetlejuice’ three times.

Just in case it’s not obvious, I’d like to point out that this article and all articles on this site are intended as satire.  All articles are fiction and fake news.

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